Slayers, a Poufter, and ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!
by Jacqueline Land
Summary: Bad bad bad bad BAD. Rated for controversy, language, S&M violence, ect. Do NOT read this fic, it's bad for you!!
1. Slayers, a Poufter, and ABSOLUTELY NOTHI...

**Slayers, a Poufter, and ABSOLUTELY NOTHING**

**Chapter 1**

Author's Notes: Well, I'm new to FF.net, and I'm uploading my really old stuff. I don't know if these ideas have been used already, but if they have then it's not my intention to copy. Most of the fics I'll be uploading are at least six months old. Please review my stories, Comments, criticisms, and even flames are welcome. (At least it's being read) ^.^ Tell me what you think! This is the very first fic I ever wrote. Before I saw Next, and before I knew what I was talking about. It's bad, it's horrible. Read it only if you're not feeling confidant in you own abilities and need to see something B.A.D. Original notes have been kept in tact.

Disclaimer: I don't own it, please don't sue me.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to warn you this story is a result of Jolt and Monty Python ((Bad, BAD combination)). I paid almost no attention to characteristics, and there's some controversial stuff in here ((Like the fact I think Xelloss looks like a girl)). Before we start, I'd like to say a poufter is a British term for a queer, which is a homosexual. I'm in no way against it, but it fits in with the story. Oh yeah, there's also Piggu (P-chan) in it! 

Gourry sat silently at the table in the run down Café. He was half-listening to the radio playing the song titled, "I Bet You They Won't Play This Song On the Radio", and half listening to the blob of flat-chested flesh that was his partner Lina beside him. 

"...So then I just told him he could shove his web-spinner up his ass, and THAT'S why we're on this quest, Gourry. Gourry...? GOURRY!!!!" 

Snapping out of his almost permanent trance, Gourry Gabrieve blinked at the infamous Lina Inverse, world renown bandit killer and sorceress "Ok, so we're on a quest to kill the Great Piggu, leader of the evil Pokémon?" 

"NO! We're on a quest to kill Piggu, pet of Xelloss!" 

"Well, WHY are we doing that?" 

"Because Xelloss stole my panties at the Christmas party last year!" 

"I didn't know you wore panties!" 

_BONK _"owwwww... .*" 

Much to Lina's horror, the blonde swordsman fell unconscious. Lina bent down to look at him, and cried out in surprise, "GOURRY?! GOURRY, WAKE UP! L-SAMA! I DIDN'T MEAN TO HIT YOU ON THE HEAD SO MANY TIMES OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN MOST LIKE CAUSING MORE DAMAGE THAN THIS NOT TO MENTION BRAIN HEMORRHAGING!" 

Gourry's eyes slowly opened, only to roll back in his head, as his pulse slowed to a stop. In despair, Lina heaved her body onto his, and sobbed loudly, unaware of anything else around her. Anything, that is, until a voice piped up from the center of the room. 

"He really kicked the bucket, ne?" 

Lina looked up to see a very feminine looking man dressed in a delicate top and Lina's underwear. Shaking with rage, Lina screamed at the one who had spoke. "HOW DARE YOU COME IN HERE AND SAY THAT!? WHY DO YOU ALWAYS TORMENT ME?! WHY??" 

The man just smiled his evil smile, "Sore wa himitsu desu. Come, little Lina, you should know me well enough by now." 

She spat his name as if it's mere mention could bring forth demons and burn the tongue off, "Xelloss" 

"Hai, that's me!" he said, the panties riding up his crotch slowly, "Good job!" 

Rolling up one sorceress' sleeve, Lina growled, "That's it, you enigmatic bastard, this ends here. With L-sama as my witness, I will take my rightful vengeance for the grief you've caused me over so long!" 

Pulling the wedgie out, Xel took off the panties, now streaked with a light brown...ick, "Are you still mad about these silly little things? You can have them back if you want." 

After quietly retching in the corner, Lina screamed, "No! You can keep them! Yech! I want to kill you because you never tell me anything important, and you killed Gourry!" 

"Well, in that case, GO PIGGU!" 

The small black pig with razor sharp teeth leaped at Lina, and chewed viscously on her arm, gnawing it completely off. The one armed Lina then fire-balled the little swine, and turned to Xelloss. Without saying anything, she took out her can of Mazoku-Priest no-more, and sprayed the secretive trickster. 

"Noooooo! I'm fizzling! FIZZLING! Arrrrrkkk... .*" 

After kicking the blob of Mazoku to make sure it was dead, she picked up her slightly discolored arm and screwed it back on her body. 

Lina then came face to face with a strangely transparent apparition of Gourry, "AHHHHHHHHH!" 

After trying futilely to slice it twenty ways from Sunday, the flat-chested terror then busied herself with shivering uncontrollably and whimpering. 

"Ano, Lina-chan, you don't understand. I came to say I'm dead, and I'll miss you" 

"Fuck you! I don't care! Lemme alone!" 

Gourry filled with a rage/despair uncomprehensible to his slow mind, and he drifted slowly out of sight, reappearing in a great hall. On a throne of bones there sat an attractive lady smoking a cigarette. 

"Greetings, I am Zelas Metallium. I have a proposal for you." 

"Ummmm, okay" Gourry said, not knowing what a proposal was, but thinking it sounded stupid to say otherwise. 

"I can give you great power, magic, and a chance to see Lina again, and give her what she deserves" 

Gourry was overcome by a feeling he had never experienced before. It was an emotion since then never had by a Gabrieve; a need for revenge. Smiling slyly for the first time in his life, Gourry's eye's met the BeastMaster's, and his flashed menacingly. 

"Yes, I accept" 


	2. Finally! A chapter 2!!

**Slayers, a Poufter, and Absolutely Nothing**

**Chapter 2 --Finally! A Chapter 2!!**

Disclaimer; I don't own Slayers, Monty python, HAIR, or anything else I parody in this fic

Lina's eyes widened as recognition finally came to her. Kneeling by the young man's body, she wept silent tears, and gently took the sword from his stiffened body, "Gourry, I'll miss you, but since your dead, you won't need this sword." 

Lina smiled to herself, thinking that at least _she _didn't have to kill him. Walking out of the tavern and the town, she dragon-slaved the place just for good measure. She had a reputation, you know. Unbeknownst to her, someone lurked in the shadows, watching his past love, with a glint of intelligence on his twinkling blue/violet eye. Revenge would come soon for him, the bittersweet revenge, the delectable yumminess of an old flame distinguished, the revenge that doesn't give you indigestion or make you constipated, the....damn it, if you don't understand by now, you're a freakin' idiot! Lina continued on, unaware. 

Suddenly, another figure appeared, clad in an off-white cloak and tunic. Lina screamed, and fire welled up in her experienced hands. 

"Now, hold on, you freak! It's me, Zel!" 

"Zel? Wow! I haven't seen you in a long ti....waitasecond, _your _calling _me _a freak?! HEY!" 

The chimera sighed, then took out two pieces of what looked like beef jerky, one a milky brown, the other, pale pink. Lina quirked an eyebrow, "Whassat?" 

Zel smiled, took a big chomp out of the brown one, and started to sing in a manly soprano, "Black boy's, are delicious, chocolate flavored lo-o-ove!" 

Lina grinned, and grabbed the white one, eating it down, "But white guys are good-tastin' too," then _she _started to sing, "When I bite their shoul-der, I bite to kill!" 

Amelia came in wearing nothing but a goldfish, and chewed on Zel's leg, "But green guys, are so yummy! Like a minty fresh inside my tummy" 

The music stopped, Zel and Lina straightened, and stared at the strange princess. She grinned sheepishly, and allowed herself a slight wave before running into the forest, pocahontis-style. Zel rubbed the spot she bit him, "Strange girl, she is. Be crazy, she must" 

Lina laughed, "Alright, Yoda, let's get going" 

Night fell, and Lina was taking off her cape, Zel removed his tunic, and the sorceress' jaw dropped and went ka-thunk-ka-thunk-ka-thunk on the ground, "Zel? Are you in drag?!" 

Zel adjusted his halter-top and tightened his chastity belt, "Lina! That's a personal question! But, if you must know, I've discovered a new me. I don't need to find a cure now; you wouldn't believe how much people will pay to have sex with a rocky, green bisexual." 

Lina just nodded and smiled, licking her lips and eyeing the lock on the chastity belt. He _was _kinda sexy, especially with those boots... "Zel?" 

He smiled erotically at her, "Tonight, sweetheart, it's free. That is, as long as you have whips and handcuffs" 

She nodded again, "I always bring them, just in case." 

The silent watcher fumed, how dare she?! He loved her, and now she won't even invite him in on the action. She didn't even bother to tell the freak he was gone! Oh, she would die, slowly and painfully for this, and he would enjoy every minute. That's it! He couldn't stand to watch this anymore, he was leaving. Are there hoes this deep in the woods? 


	3. Mmmm....Skettios

Slayers, a Poufter, and ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

**Chapter 3 --Mmmmm...Skettios...**

Disclaimer; I don't own Slayers, JTHM, or anything else parodied in this fic.

Lina awoke and rubbed her elbows, "Damn, Zel, you're kinkier then I thought!" 

Zel just purred softly and put his old off-white garbs back on, giving the shiny black leather underneath a tweak, "Well, hun, what did you expect?" 

"Don't call me hun." 

"Alright hun. By the way, where's Gourry? I was sure he'd want to have a little fun..." 

Lina shrugged, grinned, and held up the sword of light, "Gourry had a little....accident, and, well, his sword arm doesn't really work anymore. So I took it..." 

"Eeewww! That's disgusting!" 

"Not his ARM, stupid! His sword..." 

Zel grinned and cast Lina a side-long glance, "I knew you'd kill him some day..." 

"I didn't have to do it, Xelloss did..." 

Zel's eyes lit up at the mention of Xelloss, "Really? Where's the little fruitcake now?" 

"I killed him..." 

"YOU BITCH!" Zel screamed and charged Lina, head down. Lina, surprised, let him come, and was poked evilly by his wirey hair. 

"Ow! Dammit! Stop it!" 

The silent watcher agreed, livid. Don't kill her, you fool. HE was going to kill her....It was HIS job to get revenge... 

"Yes, don't kill her, Zelgadiss..." 

Both Zel and the poked Lina looked up at Sylphiel, who had appeared out of nowhere. 

"Say what??" 

"Don't kill her, not until I do this..." 

Before another word was said, Sylphiel ran up to Lina and kissed her eye, "Lina, I just want you to know that I yearn to stroke your nose hairs and whisper sweet nothings into your bellybutton...." 

Lina laughed, "Sure! It can't be as bad as what Zel did to my larynx last night!" 

"Don't talk about last night Lina, I have to kill you now, and I don't want those memories to taunt me!" 

"Why do you want to kill me?" 

"Why?! Because you killed Xelloss!" 

"But you don't like him...." 

Blink.....Blink..... "Oh yeah, I don't....Okay then...." 

It was then that Sylphiel performed an ice-pick lobotomy on the distracted Chimera, and her and Lina ate well for days. 

**THE END, DAMMIT!!!**

  
  


Well, there you have it. It's OVER. No more of this horrible horrible fic! Yay! *And there was much rejoicing*


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